February 20/2014: Eating Disorders Suck!

Hello my beauties,

So, right now it's 3:07 am and I had a binge 30 minutes ago consisting of a LOT of PB but anyway I wanted to let you all know on my improvements. Remember back in December,where I was binging every night?...Well I can share with you that right now I binge maybe once or twice a week. I cannot explain how much better that makes me feel. Like many of you, I don't want to binge, in fact I wish I was never hungry or felt cravings (dream world right?) But, this is the real world and I need to fight this evil in order to be happy.

You know what frustrates me about this binge? The fact that I really didn't want to binge. I woke up at 10 am today as I had no lectures/seminars and so by 2am I was still not tired, I haven't eaten since 18:49 pm and I was feeling slightly hungry but I just wanted to sleep as I have to be up early tomorrow. But as I lay in bed I couldn't fall asleep and started to think about food...next thing I know I'm in the kitchen eating my flatmates PB and a lot of other evils of the world. Anyway, I'm not even sad anymore, I'm just frustrated and fed up,because if I was able to sleep I wouldn't have gone to the kitchen and binged.

I saw a counselor before Christmas break and he decided that it was best to refer me to a hospital for treatment. I managed to call them yesterday to attempt to make an appointment, but apparently it takes about 2 weeks until I will get an appointment. I don't understand this, I NEED help right now, not in 2 weeks, NOW!! I have been trying to deal with this by myself for a year now and I finally try to get help and it has to take this long. Anyway, I hope that I will get an appointment soon as I would like to start the treatment as soon as possible.

Have you guys had any progress in your ED? How are you all doing?

-I encourage you all do get some help if you are dealing with an ED, I know that it will help to have someone to help you deal with your issues. Good Luck xoxo

My Bulimia Story

Dear Reader,

Welcome to my post about my story and current struggle with Bulimia. It's currently 4:25 am in the UK and I finished my binge 3 hours ago and the guilt is so overwhelming that I can't sleep.

My aim for this blog is to share my story and take you on my journey to dealing with bulimia and binge eating.

Thank You for taking the time to read this.

Regards,

Anonymous Bulimic.


Let me begin...

So you're probably wondering why I haven't introduced myself to you, well my no.1 reason for that is because I am ashamed to admit to the world who I really am and what my obsession is doing to me.

Okay, so just to calm your suspicious self down, I can tell you that I am an 18 year old University student in the UK struggling with food obsession, binge eating and bulimia.

I need help.

For about 4 days in a row I've been having binges and it's making me feel out of control. I have lost motivation in life (I even decided to sell my ticket for the Christmas Winterfest event due to this) and I don't want to be seen by people. My binges have been so uncontrollable and overwhelming that I cry after each time and day after day I feel more helpless and more useless than ever. Last night, about 20 mins after a binge my mum called me (For university I moved 3 hours away from home..home a.k.a London so my only communication with family is on the phone...thank goodness for facetime) and I was so disgusted and distraught after my episode of binge eating on peanut butter, nutella, bread, pasta and other things I don't remember that I started to break down over the phone....and I couldn't speak. Unfortunately for my poor mother, who watched me have a break down and inability to speak and just a fit of tears on facetime (negatives of facetime.....family can witness emotional instability) Anyway...I ended the conversation and just began to completely break...as though my soul wasn't fragile enough. But the episode of the tears didn't end there so I decided to go to my Uni library and distract myself with work....which surprisingly worked....4 hours later I found myself engrossed in my preparation plan for an essay and feelings of panic gone.

I decided that tomorrow (a.k.a. today) I will drink smoothies all day to make up for my binge......WRONG DECISION EVER.! I had my first ''meal'' at 12:40 pm and the smoothie was fulling and quite good but not as satisfying as real food...but I was busy so it wasn't too bad. Then at 16:40 pm I got hungry and the 4 hours in between my two meals gave me time to think about food and how good fish fingers are....yes I ended up eating fish fingers for my second meal...and that delicious naan bread...and broccoli, mushroom egg muffin...oh and another half of a naan bread....not too bad! But then I decided to have a dessert....so of course I went for the Oat cakes with PB2 and honey. Right, I won't have anymore food today except an apple later on. (hahaha what an irony) A few hours later I found myself in the uni bar with friends (of course me drinking water) and after another few hours I got hungry and decided to eat my apple..satisfying and delicious. Okay, this was my last piece of food today....
It's now midnight and I am STILL in the uni bar, dancing and walking around etc. but I think I will go home now.
On my arrival, I decided to have an apple just before bed as I was a bit hungry but not tired enough to be going to sleep straight away....so I found myself in the kitchen grabbing my apple.....then looking in the fridge for some food.....had some mozzarella cheese...oh there's the carrots and hummus...had some of that too....oh let me look in the cupboard what else is there...oh yesss!!! Oatcakes with an apple sounds nice.

I take my apple and oatcakes to my room and eat that of course again with PB2 and honey....this was SO good, I want more food now....So I go back to the kitchen and have.....some Mueller Rice original yoghurt (it's sooo good), with some muesli, and a banana and another apple, oh and maybe the other half of that naan bread and some oatcakes...and the remains of muesli in the packet......Yes I really did just eat all of that in about no more than 10 mins! I feel so full and disgusted...my stomach is hurting but I could eat even more....to be honest with you I don't even remember if I had any more food or what else I had..I lost count.

So there goes my mental break down after the realization of the binge....

1.)Must Must MUST make green tea ASAP!!!
2.)Overdose on coffee bean extract pills
3.)Make a hot water bottle
4.)Cry,cry and cry

(After binge daily routine)

Now I feel like shit...why am I taking more pills than I should??? Why am I having to calm my stomach pains? Drink excessive amounts of green tea? and why am I crying??!!? Ahhhh I don't want to be like this...

These were my thoughts after the binge and I must say that today was another bad day for me. Food is taking over my life but my attempt to fight this is still not buried in the ground...my hope and the light is still shining (dimmed but it's still there).

Writing my story, emotions, experience calms me and this has helped me and maybe it will help someone else...perhaps to relate or maybe someone can help me with their tips on recovery and I am so determined to change my ways...I'm trying the positive thinking strategy...THE SECRET a book about the power of the mind is helping me to be a motivation to not give up and each day I am trying hard to follow it's teaching but it's harder than I thought it would be.

My mind is all over the place and quite jumbled so as I write my feelings here....part may not make sense but it's because I am writing straight after the binge. I do apologize for that though.

Right it's 5:09 am in the UK and I am so tired, might try to sleep now and update you all tomorrow.

Have a good day my lovely readers.